I know a lot of people deal with anorexia and they hear that little voice called Ana in their head, telling them what to eat, when to purge, counts the calories for you, but for me Ana has becomes more than that, she tells me what to do, what to feel, how to act, what to eat, she reminds me that I am a mess because I know she is right, I do deserve it, sometimes I hate her and I just want her out of my head, but at the end I need her more than ever
My hands find their way to my hair
They grab, pull, scratch
"STOP IT!" I try to scream
The flashbacks keep coming
"You deserve it"
"I have to remind you, that you are a mess"
I know, I'm sorry
"Smile, do not let them see you broken"
I smile, I know you are right Ana
You control my life
Not only you control what I eat, but what I do, what I feel
"You are worthless"
I feel worthless
"Purge those calories you eat, you do not need more food in that fat body"
I purge, loving and hating the sensation
I try to sleep, but the flashbacks would not let me
Leave me alone!
"No, you deserve all of this"
I HATE YOU, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
"Never you need me, you want me, you love me"
I do, I know
I go to bed and prepare myself for my same routine for tomorrow