Hurting Poem

Pain is a lot, and it's hard to overcome. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this hurt. At 15 everyone says its normal. But I know that this is not how the everyday teenager feels, or does. I don't know if this poem will relate to, or mean anything to anyone who reads it. But its me trying to find my voice... find my way out.

Confusion And Pain

© Kaycee West
I don't know why I feel this way.
I never asked for pain, tears, or suffering.
I was normal at one point in life.
I was full of smiles, laughter, and happiness.
I wish I knew the cause of this change in my life, find a way to make it all stop.
It all began when I was 13 years of age.
It was a gnawing, a tug, a dark thing pulling me under.
I screamed in silence, and tried to deal with it all on my own.
Countless tears had fallen, and many sleepless nights had passed.
A lonely day at home lead me to explore.
Just walking around, looking, and thinking.
I was thinking about life, and about hurting.
It was then when I found the box cutter.
A small rectangle, with a deadly sharp edge, an edge that I thought would make my life better.
I hid in my room, lost, and alone.
I could hear distant laughter from my family downstairs, a family I have disappointed, and hurt.
It was the thoughts of not being good enough for them that reminded me of the box cutter I had found.
I sat in the corner of my room and wondered if this little blade could solve my problems.
I stretched out my arm in front of me, and put the edge to my wrist. I was scared, but something was giving me that nudge, that thought that if I cut myself, all the pain would go away.
As the crimson poured out, it was as if the dark thing inside me was satisfied, the pain was numbing.
Over time, it had gotten worse.
When I started high school, I was on the verge of killing myself, thinking of ways to do it, ways to make it easy, and how to cause the least pain to my friends and family.
The little demon inside me had awakened.
I sat there with a friend and carved into my arms with a piercing needle.
I had never seen so much blood, but couldn't feel better.
It was then when my teachers had noticed, and called my mom.
She brought me to the closest ER. I underwent psychiatric examinations; I was being tested for every mental illness from A-Z.
I had gotten defensive and angry. Refused being looked at, examined, and refused to take pills, or undergo counseling.
It makes me wonder, a year later if it's going to happen again.
It gets harder to deal with my emotions, and being a hormonal teenager doesn't help.
I've turned to drugs, alcohol to make myself forget.
Forget the hurt, the pain, the suffering that I'm going through and that I have caused.
I think the thing that I regret most, is how much I've hurt my mom.
I've been nothing but selfish, and have walked over her, and if I keep it up, I know she won't be there for me when I need her most.
I just wish I knew what to do, what path to turn to.
I need to find something to numb the pain permanently, a way to make the demon go away forever.
I'm afraid of what will happen, if I don't get help soon…

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Published: Feb 2012
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7 Stories on "Confusion And Pain"
  1. Grace, San Francisco California Submitted on Thursday, August 02, 2012

    I remember as a teen how much I lived for what others thought of me. I hated my hair, my name, my face, me. I would look at myself in the mirror and see an ugly fat girl, never ever seeing myself as I truly was. The insecurities drove me to deny what I should have accepted. Why wasn't my hair straight, why was my skin "olive" complexion. What did olive skin mean? My heart would sink., my eyes would cry. I never felt comfortable, awkward, weird at times. In time, I realized that I was unique, the qualities I possessed were far more important than weighing 90 pounds and having blonde hair, I started to like myself. It did not happen until I accepted myself for what I was.....me. We often torment ourselves and even cave in to the pressures of life, the pain this young person felt was a sadness that engulfed her beyond reasoning, pray for the ones who have gone, and pray for the ones who are here. Someday, someway we must bring strength to all who have given up hope.

  2. Alex Submitted on Friday, December 07, 2012

    In high school I was bullied terribly for having red hair when I cut myself and wore black they would call me emo. My parents just said "woe is me" I would drink myself numb and then I fell in love. We went out and she dumped me for someone else. I didn't cry I just went to the toilet at break and with the blade from a sharpener and cut her initials L.R into my arm and I haven't looked back...

  3. Immortal Kiss Submitted on Monday, January 14, 2013

    I can relate it is true that this pain is not normal but its hard being a 15 year old. I feel you. Please remember there is always some who loves you!!!

  4. Lissa Submitted on Thursday, March 21, 2013

    When I was 13 years old I caved and told my mom I was suicidal. She took me to the hospital and they said I wanted attention and that it was just a teenage thing. My mom got me help but I lied about my feelings sometimes and ended up wanting more help. I didn't know how to tell my parents I need them to take away the demon inside me. So I tried killing myself and my mom found me. I ended up getting help but I feel that the monster comes out when I am weak or upset.

  5. Kitkat. Australia Submitted on Friday, December 06, 2013

    Hello I am a Christian and while I was reading this I though of how many people turn to self hurt to stop the pain. It may seem to help but really it isn't as you seem to have found out. Though I can not really relate to this I can still tell you that God is the only one who can take the pain away. I don't mean to offend anyone or sound super religious, because I am definitely not. Pray to him and ask for his forgiveness and ask him to help stop the pain and repair your life. It won't be easy but I am sure if you try really hard you will be able to get through these hard times.
    There may be storms on the road of life but if you trust God they will only make you stronger.
    Good luck. May God be with you.

  6. Raven, Arkansas Submitted on Friday, January 31, 2014

    Hey just wanted to say I know how you feel. I've cut since I was 13 and I am turning 18 soon and I can't stop. I have been bullied all my life. My mom and Dad don't even care for me. I've been getting help for 11 years. I've got put in a hospital 3 times. The demons are trying to win but here's the thing don't let them. I've been fighting my for 11 years. I don't ever know you but I care for you and I love you. I know that is weird but somewhere in the world there is a person that loves you.

  7. Ellen, Wales Submitted on Friday, April 11, 2014

    When I started cutting I thought it was like a normal kind of thing to do but I regret starting now because I have become addicted, I have an amazing counselor and she told me to use an elastic band every time I feel like hurting myself but its not the same because I don't get to experience the same pain you know, but I'm alone now like they disowned me really like so I'm becoming very independent but I mostly depend of my razors. I would go on but I'd bore you all tbh thank you x

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